Onion Schmonion

Hey guys, just your onion-y bloggy buddy here. I know all of you have been waiting with bated breath to learn the outcome of my stinky situation. So with no further adieu...

In the case that you wake up on the idiot side of the bed and feel comfortable with dicing an entire onion into your crock pot to simmer for 12 hours therefore allowing onion fumes to sink into every piece of fabric, body part, or whatever else have you in your apartment/self, you can do these things to remedy your idiocy:

For starters, try amateur things like, using salt to "exfoliate", aka rub your skin raw, and then smoothing it back down with spoonfuls of peanut butter. MMMM there's nothing like the smell of onions, salt, and peanut butter all mixed into one!

Light some candles. Let them burn down to a puddle of wax. Maybe even dip your fingers into the wax. No pain, no gain, right? Burnt is better than onion garden a la fingers.

Wait three days to see if the smell will just go away.

Spray Febreeze on everything like it's your J-O-B. Even your dog. That little stinker has fur, remember? Fur is like fabric...that onion has lodged itself waaaaay in there, right next to the skin.

Don't feel like cleaning your apartment? Quick, give someone a hug and note their reaction. Feel like busting a move with your mop and vacuum now, McStinky?

Leave your windows open. I don't care if it's January going on February. Or that there's an ice storm going on. Priorities people. I personally think it sucks more when you can't wear your smelly jacket in freezing weather than it does you shivering on the couch.

On top of all windows open, turn on all fans. And the turbo fan. Do not, whatever you do, take a shower. While the idea of steaming, hot water all over your body sounds just splendid, the idea of freezing immediately after exiting the bathroom, does not.

And last, but not least, but definitely the most important, and the only one you should really take note of, put small bowls of baking soda everywhere possible.

Five days after the escapade took place, I am onion free, but still onion paranoid.

Something Smells....Onion-y

Because I have recently graduated from college, and due to this lovely recession we are experiencing I've started to play a daily game called "What's The Least Amount of Money I Can Spend" (Creative, I know).

Preferring not to go through my bank statements and highlighting the unnecessary buys, therefore sparing myself the shameful remorse from things like $10 lattes and $15 lunches, I decided to just halt all spending possible.

A bit drastic, yes, but I tend to be more responsive to "full stop" efforts rather than simply cutting back. Rent and bills don't count, obviously, otherwise I would be kicked to the curb in about a month.

I just assumed, and rightly so, that most of my money goes towards food. Well, and drinks. Alcoholic drinks. Eating out and going out are two ways to deplete the bank account.

So as a result Neighborhood Walmart has become my new best friend and I've become somewhat unsocial.

The upside (besides spending less) is that I've gotten into cooking. Nowhere near gourmet, but just basic home cooked meals that have yet to end in disaster. During this recent development I decided to bust out the old crock pot and give it a whirl. I went with trusty beef stew as my first one-pot meal.

Here is the recipe, courtesy of recipes.com (this is an exercise, so pay attention):

4 carrots
3 potatoes peeled and cut into cubes
1 stalk celery, cut
1 diced onion
a pinch of paprika
1 1/2 cups of beef broth
1 tablespoon of Worchestire sauce
1 cup flour
1 teaspoon salt
1 bay leaf
2 pounds beef
Now. Which one of these items do you think ruined the next couple of days for me?

The culprit = 1 diced onion.

First of all, a whole onion?! Really, recipes.com?? That's a lot of onion. I'm downright disappointed in myself that I doubted my instincts and followed the recipe. I actually hate onions (unless they are onion rings, in which case they are delicious) but I figured it would add flavor and I should just get over it. Wrong.

Second, I stupidly decided to put the ingredients in at 8pm and let it cook while I sleep, planning to take it out at 8am and then voila! I can take some to work for lunch. Well, at 2am Lola decides to take a running leap over my body and dart around the room in a burst of hyperactivity, causing me to bolt out of bed in a frenzy. In the process, my nose catches a whiff of something...unpleasant. I open my door and wham! the stench of too much cooked onion slaps me in the face. You would think I would decide to abandon the beef stew idea right then and there, but no. Being somewhat still asleep I merely thought it would just die down as it continued to cook. HA!

For the next 6 hours I dreamed about onions, smelled onions, and felt like I was sleeping in an onion.

By 8am I was most definitely not taking beef stew to work for lunch. Nor did I want to eat it for dinner. Or, really, ever again.

Sitting at my desk a few hours later I feel as if I am carrying multiple onions in my pockets, purse, and maybe even one hidden in my hair.

I stroll up to the receptionist and waft some of the air around me towards her.

Me: Do you smell that?
R: Smell what?
Me: I don't know, anything, what do I smell like when I'm standing near you?
R: I don't smell anything.
Me: Are you sure?? I don't smell like beef stew, or...(practically spitting the word out) onion?
R: Um, no.

I decide it's just me. A few hours later I meet up with my boyfriend.

Boyfriend: You smell funky.
Me: (groan)
Boyfriend: (wrinkles nose) Like...food. Why do you smell like food?

A few tablespoons of salt, spoonful of peanut butter, two hands rubbed raw, and a shower later, I think I have succeeded in getting rid of _____ (I cannot even bring myself to say the name now).

Today, I put on my clothes for work and the rank smell is back. Or it never left. My apartment is hoarding the onion smell and every item belonging to me reeks. I detest, no, loathe, beef stew. I will never eat it again. I will also not go within 6 feet of an onion for a very.long.time. And I'm wary of the crock pot.

How did attempting to be frugal land me in this mess? And yes, I still smell like onions. Any suggestions how to forever rid myself of the atrocity that is inhabiting my apartment, clothes, hair, and fingers? Anyone?