Not everyone should have a blog...

I used to make fun of blogging. For the sole reason that I had only seen a handful of blogs and they could be filed under Downright God-Awful. Since starting my own blog I've discovered blogs that can be filed under Can't Get Enough Please Post More Regularly Even if It's Two-A-Days.

People who can write well, and add wit, sarcasm, and humor to that equation, those are my people. I like you guys. Those of you who cannot write well but write anyway for some insane reason, you are not my people, and I don't like you.

I stumble across horrific blogs daily, and it never ceases to amaze me how these people think I care to kill my intelligent brain cells attempting to get through a paragraph of this crap they call writing. AND why they care to expose their idiocy to the whole world-that is perplexing as well.

Here are some thoughts that run through my head when I have the misfortune of reading said blogs:

-Oh, that's nice, you ate yogurt and granola for breakfast? Fun stuff. Hold on one sec, I want to make a necklace out of paper clips and staples. Yes, that does sound more fun than reading any more of your blog.

-So Crest White Strips really do the trick, eh? I'm so glad you posted the Before and After picture to prove it. I think I'm going to stop eating my breakfast now. It kind of grosses me out that you feel ok with posting a zoomed in picture of your teeth for all to inspect the difference in color.

-I'm just thrilled you've kept your resolution to wash your face and brush your teeth before bed. WAY TO GO. Put a gold star on the chart that is labeled "How to Stay Sanitary" and cross off "Try not to be disgusting" on your To Do list. Good job.

-Good, good. You've lost 2.2 pounds. Now that's what I want to hear about. Go ahead and make me a list of everything you've consumed for the past 2 weeks, please include calories you've burned as well, and the different moves and exercises tried. Oh, looky here! You're one step ahead of me. Yay.

-Two words: Valentine's Day. Who freaking invented this day? It's stupid. And yes, I do have a boyfriend so I didn't take a bite out of bitter salad. And yes, he will do nice things for me on this day, JUST LIKE HE DOES EVERY OTHER DAY. But wait, I do want to hear what you're wearing. Uh huh...uh huhhhh....annnd confirmation of ridiculous. You just said LBD, JC, and VD all in one sentence. Translation for smart people: Little black dress, with Jimmy Choos, to be worn on Valentine's Day.


By all means start a blog. It's fun and addicting. When starting a blog think of these things:

1. Am I starting a blog because I want to keep my family and friends updated on my daily happenings and occurrences? If yes, SAY THAT SOMEWHERE ON YOUR PAGE. Of course THEY want to hear all about what you're doing every minute of every day. But warn the rest of us that you "invite to join in on the fun" that it's actually not fun, and it may possibly kill me. Or make me want to kill you.

2. If you are going to write about daily occurrences, and you want an audience, adding a bit of, oh, I don't know, entertainment, helps. I follow blogs that talk about the smallest of the small and I love it. Becauseeee they.know.how.to.write. I've read hilarious posts about laundry mishaps, cats, and what a kid said when watching infomercials, ALL which would have blown had they not put some thought into it. And they probably only thought about it for 2 minutes. Thinking. Helps.

3. If you've never cared about writing before, if you got anything below a B on most papers throughout your academic career, if you can't write a sentence without abbreviating, if you end sentences with prepositions and aren't at least aware that you are doing so, if you don't know what a preposition is, if you don't know where the spellcheck button is, if you write sentences as long as this one and feel ok about it, then do you think there is a possibility you may not express yourself to the best of your ability through writing? I'm not saying you're stupid. I'm saying you can't write.

4. Going further with #3. If you've ever kept a diary you know the feeling of opening it ten years later. Pure mortification that you even thought, much less, bothered to write.that.down. However, you can laugh it off because you were young and silly. Maybe you've turned into an eloquent journal writer. If so, journal away. If not, and you haven't touched a journal, or barely even written anything with feeling in years, it's probably not a good idea to start an online journal better know as a blog. Why? Because you will look back and be mortified and unable to laugh it off because it was only last year. Last month. Yesterday. That you wrote that. If you're not mortified, someone else will be for you.

5. Going further with #4. I broke out my 3rd grade Secret Diary Journal (equipped with a key of course) last year and began reading, prepared for ridiculous crush banter and 3rd grade drama. This is the first sentence I read: "I spent the night at Kate's house last night and we went to bed SOOOOOOO late!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 7:30!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" First of all, I was in 3rd grade, why did I think 7:30 was so late. Was I cool or what. Second, I think that was the most entertaining thing I read in the whole diary. But that doesn't mean telling people what time I went to bed, now, is. Comprehendo?


I feel like this is all common sense. Apparently a lot of people don't have it. I'm glad the bloggers I follow do. And to all of you who don't, don't fret. You can READ blogs. You don't have to WRITE one. Capiche?

Return to Jr. High

My love of writing all started back in 7th grade, because of this guy:

He's pretty dreamy, huh?

His name is Bernie Schein, and he was my 7th and 8th grade teacher. He's recently joined the Facebook phenomenon and in the past few weeks I've been updated consistently on my Home Page about Bernie's posts on former student's walls. Creepy? Inappropriate? Sketchy? Yes. He is all of those things and more. Which is why he was the most popular teacher at my school.

An explanation of my school is needed: Paideia is a private school in Atlanta, founded by parents in the 1970s. The first buildings of the school were old houses. (My 6th grade classroom was in the attic of an old mansion. Yes, it is as cool as it sounds. And my hand print is still painted on the eave representing the 6th grade class of 1998. Shout out to L & B's class! Wha wha!) Teachers are called by their first names. Sometimes couches are used instead of desks. It's a pretty laid back environment, where children are urged to be themselves and excel. Whether you wore Ralph Lauren and your mom drove a Mercedes, or you preferred to shop at the local dollar store and your mom drove a 15 year old station wagon Volvo, Paideia welcomed you and your uniqueness.

Before you start thinking Paideians held hands and sang Kumbuya every morning (which we most definitely did NOT), I'll being Bernie back into the picture. We were talking about Facebook.

I think it's safe to assume he's quite taken with Facebook. Being a graduate of Harvard, Bernie is pretty smart. And he's used his intelligence to learn that Facebook is a great way to advertise yourself, should you have something to advertise. Which he does. His book. Which was just recently published. (Fellow English majors out there will appreciate the title: If Holden Caulfield Were In My Classroom. Catcher in the Rye should pop into your mind (If you're smart)).

I'm famous, actually. I'm in Bernie's book. (Most of his former students are.) We aren't broadcasted as ourselves, but instead our personalities, stories, sense of humor, problems, and behavior can be identified throughout the whole thing. His favorite question to ask his students since publishing the book is "Did you see yourself in the book??"

If you're intrigued by what I've said about my school, and Bernie, you should go check out his website, http://www.bernieschein.com/ and Paideia's website, http://www.paideiaschool.org/. Because by no possible means will I be able to explain Bernie and his philosophy of teaching, nor his personality, nor the difference it made in my life. And, this post is already too long. If you've made it this far, hang in there, it gets better!

Bernie is a pot bellied, potty mouth, balding, hysterical, crazy, freakishly smart, and freakishly caring old man. He called kids out on their crap, and he always spoke the truth. Being Real, was the goal in his classroom. And he tried to pull the "realness" out of every single kid. If you're real, you're being yourself, and when you're being yourself, you're happy. Pretty simple. We would then express this realness in stories. What we've learned about ourselves, how we've gotten to where we are through whatever obstacles we've come across in the past, etc. Hence, why I love to "dissect" the meaning in things. See One For the English Major Team post.

However simple it was, parents had to give the OK for their kids to be admitted into Bernie's class. That's how intense it was. It was a roller coaster ride of a junior high experience and some parents just weren't on board with the whole concept. Luckily, my parents were.

Anyways, you'll have to do some sleuthing on the web (i.e, go order his book, check out his website) to find more out about this fascinating guy. I have already done all this, and finished the book (rave reviews!), so I've spent my time today catching up on Bernie's comments on Facebook.

On trying to promote his book:

"Yo ___, it's me. Berns. Yep. Cool as ever. Have you read my book. Tell me what you think. You were a great student, reminded me naturally a lot of moi, though I was more the matinee-idol type, and you're not. Love, Bernie"

"Yo, ____. Right. Bernie here. Yes, the great one. CALM DOWN. CALM DOWN!!! God. Read my book, tell your parents to read it, and get back to me, if you catch my drift. Love, Bernie"

"____, Have you read my book. I mean, am I funny or what. I LOVE MYSELF. Love, Bernie"

There are more, much more, funny ones, but I'll wait to see your response to these and post the rest accordingly. For all I know, you guys might be the type of people who wouldn't want your kid (or future kid) to touch Bernie's classroom with a four foot pole. In which case Bernie would respond, with my absolute favorite response, "Why don't you take four running leaps and bounce up my butthole sideways!" ;-)

In conclusion, (Bernie, I hope you're happy and that this did you justice) BUY HIS BOOK. Happy Friday everyone!

One for the English Major Team

One sunny day in the Fall of my sophomore year of college I was on my way to declare a practical major when I got an unexpected call from my father. A few minutes later I got off the phone and started walking in the opposite direction towards a different building. I had been given this advice (which, at the time, seemed more like an order): "Major in something you enjoy, rather than something practical. Then, when you go to graduate school, you take the practical road." And that is how I became an English major.

I was not prepared for the hundreds of people who would later scoff and mock my decision. As soon as the phrase "English major" comes out of my mouth, doubt of my survival in the 'real world' creeps into their eyes, and they either say, or think, "English??!! What are you going to do with that?!" Well, oh ignorant one, let me tell you.

For a college student, there is nothing more frightening than scanning an exam and realizing you have no idea what any of the answers are. Not only that, but there is no multiple choice. A big, blank, blue book practically burns a hole in your eyeballs as you squirm in your seat, this close to a full blown panic attack. What to do, what to dooo...Oh! I know! Develop a coherent essay with fully backed up points and examples from the text to illustrate your meaning!

How? That's for the English major to know, and for you to never find out. We're brilliant. We can be put on the spot and come out smelling like roses. We can answer a question we don't know the answer to, back up our claim, marvel at the genius we just pulled out of nowhere, and leave the professor dumbfounded by our intelligence. Especially since he thought we were either unprepared, daydreaming, or just plain idiotic (Now imagine what it's like when we actually do know the answer).

Confused? Why not wander over to your bookshelf and pull out Shakespeare or Chaucer. What? (feign surprise) You don't have any of those? You only have Confessions of a Shopaholic and other similar chick novels?? I suppose they are a bit difficult to understand.... Pity. Well, let's just say that Shakespeare and Chaucer are remembered and widely read (at least by other people) for a reason.

If you can actually understand what Chaucer is saying while reading it, then hats off to you, but I really don't believe you. Unless you are a Chaucer extraordinaire, aka ,professor who will remain nameless from second semester sophomore year. Who, while we're on the subject, made me speak Middle English for a mortifying ten minutes in front of the entire class. Don't know what Middle English is either? Sigh. Google it. Then speak it around other people and note their reaction.

Anyway, English majors are taught to decipher, describe, dissect, determine, declare (oh, why hello alliteration), analyze, and interpret everything put in front of them. That skill cannot be left at the door. In fact, when you're talking to me, just know, from here on out, that while I'm nodding my head and nonchalantly sipping my coffee, I am putting you through a "what's he/she really trying to say" detector while jotting down notes in my head, and coming up with plan a, b, and c of possible answers, ideas...plans of action, if you will.

Now, transfer these impeccable skills that have been tweaked and perfected over 4 years into any professional environment (ahem, I stress any environment) and the true English major will succeed and excel.

Beg to differ? Well, unsuccessful flaw finder, in true English major style I've already mapped out possible questions, arguments, and back up arguments to your unsatisfied mind. So I'm all ears. ;-)

Becoming a Blogland resident

I've decided to start a blog for several reasons:

1. I love to write, and since becoming a writer is near to impossible blogging will have to suffice for the time being.
2. I have just entered into the "real world" and therefore have an abundance of time on my hands since I am merely an "entry level" employee.
3. A lot of the things I'm passionate about are hopfully things other people are passionate about as well, or find interesting, and will want to read and comment on...I stress the word hopefully.

I'm going to jump the gun and assume that this blog will probably be all over the place and have no correlation between posts--that is the reason it is called "Exclamation Points" since it literally means whatever I feel like exclaiming over.

I have absolutely no set agenda for this blog and I am just trying it out so feel free to send me suggestions, comments, or ideas about anything!