Friday, February 6, 2009

Not everyone should have a blog...

I used to make fun of blogging. For the sole reason that I had only seen a handful of blogs and they could be filed under Downright God-Awful. Since starting my own blog I've discovered blogs that can be filed under Can't Get Enough Please Post More Regularly Even if It's Two-A-Days.

People who can write well, and add wit, sarcasm, and humor to that equation, those are my people. I like you guys. Those of you who cannot write well but write anyway for some insane reason, you are not my people, and I don't like you.

I stumble across horrific blogs daily, and it never ceases to amaze me how these people think I care to kill my intelligent brain cells attempting to get through a paragraph of this crap they call writing. AND why they care to expose their idiocy to the whole world-that is perplexing as well.

Here are some thoughts that run through my head when I have the misfortune of reading said blogs:

-Oh, that's nice, you ate yogurt and granola for breakfast? Fun stuff. Hold on one sec, I want to make a necklace out of paper clips and staples. Yes, that does sound more fun than reading any more of your blog.

-So Crest White Strips really do the trick, eh? I'm so glad you posted the Before and After picture to prove it. I think I'm going to stop eating my breakfast now. It kind of grosses me out that you feel ok with posting a zoomed in picture of your teeth for all to inspect the difference in color.

-I'm just thrilled you've kept your resolution to wash your face and brush your teeth before bed. WAY TO GO. Put a gold star on the chart that is labeled "How to Stay Sanitary" and cross off "Try not to be disgusting" on your To Do list. Good job.

-Good, good. You've lost 2.2 pounds. Now that's what I want to hear about. Go ahead and make me a list of everything you've consumed for the past 2 weeks, please include calories you've burned as well, and the different moves and exercises tried. Oh, looky here! You're one step ahead of me. Yay.

-Two words: Valentine's Day. Who freaking invented this day? It's stupid. And yes, I do have a boyfriend so I didn't take a bite out of bitter salad. And yes, he will do nice things for me on this day, JUST LIKE HE DOES EVERY OTHER DAY. But wait, I do want to hear what you're wearing. Uh huh...uh huhhhh....annnd confirmation of ridiculous. You just said LBD, JC, and VD all in one sentence. Translation for smart people: Little black dress, with Jimmy Choos, to be worn on Valentine's Day.

By all means start a blog. It's fun and addicting. When starting a blog think of these things:

1. Am I starting a blog because I want to keep my family and friends updated on my daily happenings and occurrences? If yes, SAY THAT SOMEWHERE ON YOUR PAGE. Of course THEY want to hear all about what you're doing every minute of every day. But warn the rest of us that you "invite to join in on the fun" that it's actually not fun, and it may possibly kill me. Or make me want to kill you.

2. If you are going to write about daily occurrences, and you want an audience, adding a bit of, oh, I don't know, entertainment, helps. I follow blogs that talk about the smallest of the small and I love it. Becauseeee I've read hilarious posts about laundry mishaps, cats, and what a kid said when watching infomercials, ALL which would have blown had they not put some thought into it. And they probably only thought about it for 2 minutes. Thinking. Helps.

3. If you've never cared about writing before, if you got anything below a B on most papers throughout your academic career, if you can't write a sentence without abbreviating, if you end sentences with prepositions and aren't at least aware that you are doing so, if you don't know what a preposition is, if you don't know where the spellcheck button is, if you write sentences as long as this one and feel ok about it, then do you think there is a possibility you may not express yourself to the best of your ability through writing? I'm not saying you're stupid. I'm saying you can't write.

4. Going further with #3. If you've ever kept a diary you know the feeling of opening it ten years later. Pure mortification that you even thought, much less, bothered to write.that.down. However, you can laugh it off because you were young and silly. Maybe you've turned into an eloquent journal writer. If so, journal away. If not, and you haven't touched a journal, or barely even written anything with feeling in years, it's probably not a good idea to start an online journal better know as a blog. Why? Because you will look back and be mortified and unable to laugh it off because it was only last year. Last month. Yesterday. That you wrote that. If you're not mortified, someone else will be for you.

5. Going further with #4. I broke out my 3rd grade Secret Diary Journal (equipped with a key of course) last year and began reading, prepared for ridiculous crush banter and 3rd grade drama. This is the first sentence I read: "I spent the night at Kate's house last night and we went to bed SOOOOOOO late!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 7:30!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" First of all, I was in 3rd grade, why did I think 7:30 was so late. Was I cool or what. Second, I think that was the most entertaining thing I read in the whole diary. But that doesn't mean telling people what time I went to bed, now, is. Comprehendo?

I feel like this is all common sense. Apparently a lot of people don't have it. I'm glad the bloggers I follow do. And to all of you who don't, don't fret. You can READ blogs. You don't have to WRITE one. Capiche?

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  1. I hate sometimes thinking I might be missing out on entertaining blogs because other things turn me off before I even start reading. Popup ads, aesthetics (either really ugly or colors make it unreadable), horrifying grammar/spelling/punctuation. I'm not perfect by a long shot but I try my best to not turn people off based on that sort of thing. Let them at least READ my words before they decide to be turned off.

  2. This was too funny. Now, I'm slowly going over my blog checking for such errors. Considering I'm an English major, errors would just be oh so bad. Unfortanuately, I'm sure they're there lol

  3. Hey, I JUST read your comment on my blog that you referred me to other people (I know, lame right?). Thanks so much for that.

    I've been on hiatus for a while (well, I wrote a post on that yesterday actually), so I haven't been on lately.

    Anyways, great post. I totally agree. (I hope my blog isn't one of those listed!)

  4. I totally agree as well ... but I have to say, I suddenly got the panic that maybe I've been that offender. While I always got "A" grade in English, I've never followed proper English in my writing very well, I enjoy writing for fun too much :)

  5. Apparently I didn't pay enough attention in English class to add an "s" to the end of grade though, did I?

    Someone call the blogging police!

  6. Great blog, chica! I LOVE it. And you are so dead-on with this post.