Friday, January 30, 2009

Onion Schmonion

Hey guys, just your onion-y bloggy buddy here. I know all of you have been waiting with bated breath to learn the outcome of my stinky situation. So with no further adieu...

In the case that you wake up on the idiot side of the bed and feel comfortable with dicing an entire onion into your crock pot to simmer for 12 hours therefore allowing onion fumes to sink into every piece of fabric, body part, or whatever else have you in your apartment/self, you can do these things to remedy your idiocy:

For starters, try amateur things like, using salt to "exfoliate", aka rub your skin raw, and then smoothing it back down with spoonfuls of peanut butter. MMMM there's nothing like the smell of onions, salt, and peanut butter all mixed into one!

Light some candles. Let them burn down to a puddle of wax. Maybe even dip your fingers into the wax. No pain, no gain, right? Burnt is better than onion garden a la fingers.

Wait three days to see if the smell will just go away.

Spray Febreeze on everything like it's your J-O-B. Even your dog. That little stinker has fur, remember? Fur is like fabric...that onion has lodged itself waaaaay in there, right next to the skin.

Don't feel like cleaning your apartment? Quick, give someone a hug and note their reaction. Feel like busting a move with your mop and vacuum now, McStinky?

Leave your windows open. I don't care if it's January going on February. Or that there's an ice storm going on. Priorities people. I personally think it sucks more when you can't wear your smelly jacket in freezing weather than it does you shivering on the couch.

On top of all windows open, turn on all fans. And the turbo fan. Do not, whatever you do, take a shower. While the idea of steaming, hot water all over your body sounds just splendid, the idea of freezing immediately after exiting the bathroom, does not.

And last, but not least, but definitely the most important, and the only one you should really take note of, put small bowls of baking soda everywhere possible.

Five days after the escapade took place, I am onion free, but still onion paranoid.

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  1. Glad it has finally vacated the premises!!

  2. Glad the smell went away. I enjoyed the laugh. Thanks.