Friday, December 19, 2008

The PC and me, a tale of outsmarting.

My computer and I are bickering.

It all started yesterday afternoon when a little red box appeared in the middle of my screen. It said: "CHECK YOUR COMPUTER SECURITY! THERE ARE MULTIPLE RISKS THAT CAN LEAD TO TOTAL SYSTEM CRASH!"

I frantically rushed to click on the scary alert (rush = very quickly move the mouse. It's not like your body can exert any frantic motion on a computer screen. Ok, maybe you could freak out and move the mouse psychotically all over the screen but I've never done that. Except when Lola thinks the mouse is a bug on the screen).

After watching the computer detect 39 'HIGH ALERT' potential viruses I thoroughly agreed to proceed with the Antivirus Cleanup and Download that was suggested. After all, I'm no computer genius. My idea of 'fixing' a computer problem is the restart button. If the computer thinks I should download Antivirus cleanup, well, I chummily agree. Computer knows all. I click download. Bloggy buddies: If you think your computer may be in severe cyber danger then ya'll should download it too. Don't worry guys, it's only $75.50.

Wait. $75.50?! I have to pay to 'save' my computer? Don't these trusty computers come with built in antiviral downloads that are free?? Apparently not. In which case, I decide the computer is attempting to scam me.

So for the rest of the afternoon, and this morning, an alert box has popped up every other minute. The message varies from 'virus detection', to 'system alert', to 'computer unprotected', bla bla bla. Might as well be a different language for all I care. I ignore each alert by smugly closing the box and going on my merry way. "Oh sure", I think, "you're 'finding' thousands of 'viruses'."

Well now it's gotten to the point where every time I open Internet Explorer, genius computer over here wants me to make sure I'm aware I'm going to an "unsecured site". As if we're buddies, and he's just lookin' out for my best interests.

It's becoming difficult to do anything with the alerts flashing all over the screen (remember VH1's Pop Up Video? Imagine that on my computer, but with obnoxious messages instead of useless, but nonetheless interesting, tidbits about has beens), but I refuse to give in. I hate this computer anyway. It's a...PC.

(I know a lot of you have PC's, and power to you. Whatever floats your boat. What floats my boat, however, is a glossy, silver, MacBookPro (No, I haven't upgraded yet. Stop being all high and mighty about your 3 pound Mac Air. Does yours have the word 'Pro' in it? Ok, well then be quiet))

Anyways, this all started because I had originally just wanted to take on the PC. A you-don't-scare-me kind of tactic. But then I notice something: Why am I all huffy and bothered over this ridiculous piece of machinery? I'm actually annoyed that it's becoming near to impossible to do work! The computer is even smarter than I thought! He's made me worried about getting work done!

So now I just want him to blow up. If he's so polluted with viruses, threats, and unknown information, why doesn't he just explode already so I can call it a day and start my weekend early.

I'll let you know how it goes. Actually, if you don't get an update from me later today then just assume my brilliant plan worked and I'm out enjoying the sunny, 70 degree Texas weather while the rest of you are still stuck suffering in the work week until 6.

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